*sigh*

Its been so much fun sleeping by mart these past few days... :) i miss her. but she's crazy i woke up to her bouncing on top of me lol but it was funny. i miss her tons though. but my love life is bad. my boyfriend is basically cheating huh. yeah. and im not sure what to do and my uncle has been around.........

I got invited into caberet though so thats awsum, Seeing bridge soon hopefully its funny how u can trust old friends with something u cant tell anyone... not even the people u trust ur life with.. thanks to bridge for listening to me and cheering me up when no one else could tell something was up... crap i miss her :)

and now i have to go as my mom is calling... well fighting with me as once again im the useless pathetic girl.. :(

havent been around here long

havent updated much latetely.... havent had energy too been crazy hectic... everything went from bad to worsr in a blink of an eye... and i feel alone.. and it hurts :( i know i have people i can talk to and rely on but i still feel alone... i want them close by :( i need them now more than ever... i need them to be with me... but everyone has their own things at the moment :( imaybe im just pathetic maybe i just annoy them to much...

iim tired... tired of life... tired of nightmares... tired of crying... tired of everything... tired of being alive on a planet where all i do is get hurt... whats the use? im not exactly important

sitting and thinking..

cant i just end it? :(

My dance exam is on thursday. So stressed about that.. But to make matters worse confronting on dad is on thursday to.. I hate confrontations i get... Agro? Got that from my dad. We go straight into denial an become a closed up shell. I dont want anything to happen to him.. He's my DAD. An im such a bitch for doing this to him :( i feel so scared an awful.. God please give me the strength to stand..
And especially the strength to get through my dance exam.... Flip im gonna puke. Im so scared an nervous an stressed ugh i just cant explain it.. Im upset. Im hurt. Im angry. I hate myself. I hate life an im closing up i know it but the one person... i really wanna keep inside... I cant loose that person and im tryin my very bêst to build a door way into my walls where only they have the key...
Heres another poem i wrote

Whats this noise in my head
All these voices tellin me i should be dead
Telling me theres no reason im alive
No reason i should survive
why live at other peoples expense
Loving me just doesnt make sense
No need to recover from this pain
Why wash it away with pure rain You find that im shaken from head to toe
I have run out of feelings to show
Lost in how unpredicatable i feel
This is unbelievably real
Confused as to how things are suppose to be
Or if i'll ever be free
Nothing i can say or do
To let you know the things im going through
Misunderstood..
Unable to read me like you should..
No feelings brought to sight
Im now searchin for the light
But theres no light left in my life
One more time i use my blade
Last pills ill ever take
This may be a mistake
Last time ill hang from a tree
This is the last time you'll ever see me

Dear life

Dear life.

I understand we have a huge misunderstanding... I think we need to deal with it. I dono what i did to piss u off to put me through so much hell but this isnt gossip girl. And your not blair waldorf. SO GIVE ME A BREAK!! I know you understand the circumstances. Here i am. I have my blade. I have my pills. I have my hospital needle syringe thingy. Dont make me kill myself because i will an i am so close to being pushed off the edge. Dont u dare tempt me! Im sick of u. I hate u. And i wanna leave u. People say "no man lewe is awsum jy moenie dit doeni of jy's net vokt op." (translation: no man life is awsum you shouldnt do that or your just fucked up) well guess what... I am fucked up. An your fucked up so lets just agree that if you dont give me a break im ending my life.

Kthnx bye
Hatedly

Shattered dreams.

My life is a wreck.... We're busy packin.... We're moving :( and we dont know where we're going... No airtime or internet i wont have contact with anyone an im scared because my friends are the ones i need they bring me up an i dont want to do this i cant do this my pshycologist cancelled today's session an i started on new anti depressants lets hope they work wat am i going to do? Im so scared.... Been crying all night for the past few weeks nothing seems real anymore.... Im sitting lookin in the mirror wondering whats really left of me thats mine.. People are telling me what do an say.. My actions an voice arent mine people are telling me who to be im not me anymore i feel like a clone im building up walls an having a hard time keeping the people i love inside the walls but i can never push them out. I love them to much they're my friends.... Heres a poem i wrote

Inside this mirror, i see myself..
Trapped behind a face no longer mine
i am the only one who can see my bitter decline...
Only one who can see my hidden tears
Only one who can taste my horrible fears
Hidden in the suicidal world of my own
All my memories knitten and sown
All the dread an lies u said
Makes me wish i were dead
Taking in your threats
Feeling horrible regrets
On this cold miserable day
My mirror will break
Cracking an breaking as my life it takes
As the mirror breaks my life will fade

My sunday

My sunday has been horrible..

I hate my real dad so much. He cares more about his online girlfriends than his own family. I hate him for so many reasons.. I just cant believe he'd hurt us so bad. Ok no wait i can. Because he's hurt me alot. :(
Wish i were dead but im past the stage of suicide an gone into a worse 1

All the anger i kept locked up is starting to explode an im angry at everyone. Myself an the world. Im stormin out on people an screamin at them an burstin into tears for no reason

Things i want to say to my Dad.. Probably never will

I dont know who you are anymore and i dont like who you've become. You're hurtin all of us very much and you've especially hurt me the most. I forgive you for what you've done to me even though i hate you for it but i want to help you... I need a dad in my life just like i need a mom even though it feels like she hates me..

A poem i wrote

Am i really out of control like you say
Or is it just because you cant handle me
You put me down everyday
Everything i say you dont believe
Im starting to wonder what i am to you
Am i the mistake you keep talkin about
The thing you wish you never had? Is it really true...
I know you've never loved me i know that without a doubt
But hearing it every day of my life
Kills me slowly an cuts me deeply inside
Like a newly sharpened knife
Using my heart as an amusement ride
Cutting pretty patterns lettin the blood fall slowly
Wind gently blowing
I look at you in your eyes
Tryin to find the reason why
Is it true you hate me?
Or is it just me being decieved . . .

Rainy day

Its raining here and im sitting outside in the cold because it suits my mood im shivering from the cold but i see no use in going inside to get a blanki. The rain is soaking me but thats ok it means no one can see how bad im crying. If i did have a heart or soul before today its definately broken and gone today nothing is going right. But then again nothing ever goes right for me especially lately. . . Who am i? Who was i? An who am i becoming? Its scary and im not sure im ready for it.. Not sure im ready for anything my life feels like its been put on display an its not mine anymore like its been taken over an changed. Im not in control.. Was i ever in control? All i know is i dont know if ill survive this weekend. . .

Watchin dvd's with mom, dad and sis... I bought everyone lunch with my own money. They never thanked me but thats usual. Now my dad is picking a fight with me :( and mom and life is just fallin apart even more... Im not sure if im even still alive everyone is busy today so im stuck alone with my thoughts. Suicidal depressing thoughts :( i need someone so bad right now... I need "my" baby zhade im so lost an confused i know i keep sayin it but its true only i have right now is my teddy an even he is giving me the silent treatment.. I guess im alone

this is how confused i am...

me and a friends conversation..

Me: HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Friend: Dude its not my birthday..

Me: Its not???

Friend: Uhm No *laughs at me*

stops talking out of embarassment..

SEE! im a confuzzled wreck i cant even get birthdays right! watch ill probably start wishin everyone a merry christmas soon psh i wouldnt be surprised actually

awww my kitten called coffee is singing to me...

oh ok nevermind he just wanted food

Gee apparently today im just the food bearer

aww he's thanking me by peeing on me..

arent u a thoughtful cat???

ok ok i forgive u just stop hissing at me

i have been forced to do this.....

I AM SO SORRY COFFEE

if i post this then i am obviously mental

oh yesh i am definately in need of mental help lmao im talking to a cat :?

Even though im such a mess...

I have AMAZING friends :)

it always helps to have those people who stick by you no matter what.. even if you dont understand why?? (believe me im still trying to understand what they see in me?)

but it cheers me up knowing these people are here and that i can trust them with my whole heart.. maybe i should eleborate :)

I have an awsum "daddy" he's done soo much for me yet he seems to want to help me even more.. im not used to being loved the way i love in a way it scares me but in a way i like knowing that in my worst state he'll be there for me till the end (he's made that clear alot lately) ^^ oops lol i guess i do have doubts about my friends not aring but its normal! isnt it?

I havent told you about my "mommy" yet.. well.. she's really pretty and talented as in the BE JEALOUS :D way lmao she'll disagree though but i really look up to her in so many ways.. i try to be there for here and hide my pain but somehow i think she knows im doing it and if not oops now she will lmao... But she's here for me everyday and always makes me smile and laugh even when my "daddy" cant! psh lol i love her alot she's one of my best friends even though i dont tell her that alot and another thing i dont tell her alot is how much she's changed my life....

My amazing sisters but ill get to them in the next post because my kitten has poo'd all over me and smells like zhade's dirty diapers.. EEEUWW!!!!!!! lmao

hugs

Another day

Visited my aunt Debbie today :)

she new something was wrong with me immediately

but she normally does.. she knows me better than anyone else in my family

PSH sounds like one of my best friends, Debbie wow i need to stop making friends

with the same name as someone in my family

starting to freak my self out :P

lmao, well my aunt thinks i should press charges.. ugh everyone does

but its my decision and everyone is making it hard for me

only people on my side who care about my opinion is my "daddy" and "sis"

everyone else just wants to punish these guys

my great gran got out her hospital bed for an hour today so we're happy for her she can actually talk but she started crying when she remembered she cant walk :(

My dad has to go into hospital for a 48hour surveillance because he failed his medical ugh just what we need right now :) ( sarcasm )

:( things arent going well at home no matter how bad my family wants to pretend and everyone is putting so much pressure on me im starting to wonder why im around since obviously no one cares about what i want anymore even in my situation its all about them... why cant someone ask me how im really doing for once instead of pressuring me with more heartbreaking decisions im 15 for petesake!

my dance exams are soon which is putting me under huge stress my dance teacher wants me to lose weight but in the meantime i see my dreams vanishing from my mind. im becoming a mindless clone. doing and saying what people want i cant say how i feel i try but it doesnt come out right.. thats why i like poetry

Tears falling against my stone cold face

the sky has thin patterns of clouds like lace

the wind blows through my hair

sitting on the highest dock

over the ocean i wistfully stare

losing myself inside my own mind

come closer and you'll see

what this world has done to me

im just a body with no soul

my heart is an empty hole

the things you've stolen away

can never return in just a day

joy, safety, happiness, peace

would u notice if i were deceased?

My life in my hands...

My life has been put into my hands.. im given 1 life changing decision

and it scares me.. either way i go someone will get hurt.. as well as me

no 15yo should have to go through this. no child should have to make this decision

how can you put this much pressure on a Teenager

I knew life was unfair but i guess i just never wanted to know how much

now i have to make the decision but im so confused..

should i protect him? should i open up and get help..

how can someone put their own family member in so much trouble

but how can a simple girl be broken hearted and used so much

none of this is helping me i have 1 day to make the hugest decision in my life

the most life changing decision i could possibly make... im tired of crying

tired of caring... why do i love so much? why do i have to care

i hate him so much but yet i love him... i have to... he's family nothin can change that.. i wrote a poem about it..

Scared of wrong decisions

scared of my position

scared of what might happen to me

this is killing me i'd rather not be free

im dying making these choices

in my head im hearing voices

telling me to end my life

Making me cut with sharp objects like a knife

Telling me No one needs me here

Hiding in my fear

Hiding away from the world

Hiding in my room desperately hating being told

How stupid and pathetic i am to everyone

Now look what ive done

Blood spilling on your expensive tiles

Knowing you'll be mad when you know

I pick up the knife and go deeper

Allowing myself to let go

I hope you know i was a keeper

Growing dizzy and becoming numb

blood dripping slowly off the tip of my thumb

smile fading from my lips

as my heart makes slow dips

its really ending....

my life would never be mending

i cry out to you one last time

with this silly little rhyme

after all you said...

im finally going to be dead

im sorry im leaving the ones i love

but my heart aches to go to heaven above